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How to be an Ally

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Preface: Inclusivity in languages

Most human languages are both a challenge and an opportunity for gender inclusivity. Due to their grammatical structure, one must refer to objects in a certain gender when using them in a sentence.
In Hebrew there are scenarios in each pronoun that requires using gendered language (אני כותב/ת, את/ה קורא/ת, היא/הוא מקשיב/ה). While using a slash (/) to address both men and women is a good way to be inclusive towards women, it is not necessarily inclusive for Trans feminine, Trans masculine and Non-binary individuals.
There are a few ways to address people on the Trans spectrum in an inclusive approach, both in text and in speech. This entry and the entire website uses the “non-gendered period”, that will appear instead of a slash / .

 

How to be an Ally

 

In a world where more and more Trans people choose to live openly instead of hiding their identity, it is our responsibility as a society to ensure that there will be safe inclusive spaces across all parts of society and in all aspects of life, where one would feel safe, seen and protected.
It’s not always easy to know the best way to be in ally, and you might find yourself often wondering if you could have done something different or better. Stay open minded and willing to learn, and aspire to make a meaningful change for people on the Trans spectrum, these are two important parts of your allyship. If you are here, you’re already on the right path.
While small adjustments and reassurance will make a great difference for the person in front of you, it’s important to try and create a broader change. There are different ways to be a meaningful ally and make a change, and each ally can be in a different part of their own journey, these next suggestions and tips are listed from the basic knowledge needed to be respectful to Trans people, and recommended ways to promote the Trans community.

 

First introduction and speaking respectfully

 

Pronouns

  1. Don’t make assumptions about a person’s gender identity and pronouns. If you don’t know, or feel uncertain, use a gender neutral language until finding out the correct pronouns.
  2. Take notice on how the person in front of you regards themselves, and use the same pronouns on them. While some people on the Trans spectrum would feel comfortable with you asking their pronouns, some people would expect you to understand it based on their gender expression and would find the question insulting.
  3. When in a suitable situation (for example, if a Trans person asks you for your pronouns), ask others for their pronouns. When done in the right time and place, the question itself can show your openness and willingness to learn and respect the unique identity of the person in front of you.
  4. Include your pronouns when introducing yourself to others, that way also cis people (cisgender, non transgender) know not to assume other people’s gender identity.
    Many times, only trans people will be sharing their pronouns, which can put them in uncomfortable situations as the center of attention. That’s why it is helpful when cis people share their pronouns as well, even if there are no Trans people in the room.
    Similarly, you can also share your pronouns on your social media profile.

 

Tip: switching the pronouns of a familiar person or changing pronouns can be complicated when not used to it. Practice by yourself to get used to it, and not make mistakes in front of the Trans person.

 

Respectful Communication

  1. Talk about Trans people using their correct pronouns even if they’re not around.
  2. Don’t make inappropriate comments or ask intrusive questions such as “Did you go through a surgery?” “I knew you’re trans because of your voice/height” “If you’re attracted to men/women why did you make the change?”
  3. Avoid making comments such as “But you look so feminine” or “I always wanted a trans friend”, they can be harmful even if your intention is to flatter and compliment. Comments such as these can be offensive as they reduce the person’s value to their body parts, or measure a person based on meeting certain standards without asking if these standards are relevant. Comments like this can also put an emphasis on the gap between how someone wishes to express their gender and the way they currently do, or makes them into a shallow example of a trans person.
  4. Don’t refer to gender and pronouns as a joke, a theoretical philosophical discussion that has no effect on reality, or an attraction.
  5. Respect every person’s gender identity, even if they present to the world in a way that differs to you or what you’re used to.
  6. Respect new different gender identities and pronouns even if you do not know them, respect the way someone asks to be referred to and use it, even if you don’t fully understand it.
  7. Respect how people identify themselves, and don’t assign them a different identity with a different gender identity that seems similar to you.
  8. Use these tips and ground rules also when meeting people with identities and pronouns that are less common (such as הם/אתם in Hebrew or Neopronouns in English.)

 

What to do when making mistakes

  1. It’s very natural to make mistakes when using new/different pronouns, especially if you knew the person before under a different name and pronouns. You are not alone. Instead of panicking, it’s best to correct yourself or apologize quickly without extra drama and move on. Long apologies take the focus away from the person you addressed incorrectly and center on the person making the mistake.
    The best kind of apology acknowledges your mistake without making the person in front of you feel like they need to comfort or reassure you.

Tip: If you hurt a trans person in a significant way or continually, take time to consider how to apologize and take responsibility, and respect their wishes. For some people fixing the mistake would be meaningful, while for others talking about it can be a hassle. Before apologizing, ask if an apology is wanted. The center of attention should be what the person you addressed incorrectly needs, and not your own guilt.

 

Privacy

Respect each person’s privacy

  1. Don’t out people – It’s up for the trans person themselves to share. Remember even if someone is out to you, it doesn’t mean they are out in front of others. Make sure of it before discussing their identity in public.
  2. Don’t ask uncomfortable or invasive questions, like what surgeries someone went through, what body parts someone has or what is their sexual or romantic orientation. As a ground rule, if it’s a question you would not feel comfortable asking a cis person in the same situation, then don’t ask a trans person this question.
  3. Don’t make a trans person take the burden of speaking for the entire community. The need to thoroughly explain and justify the existence of the entire community takes away energy and not everyone likes or wants that.

Tip: Ask before asking. If you are not sure the question is appropriate, ask if it’s okay to ask a personal question, if the answer is “no”, respect that (this does not take away the accountability you have for the question, you should still think before asking).
Tip: Consider the nature of the relationship you have with the Trans person. If you can ask a close friend or a lecturer this question, it does not mean it’s an appropriate thing to ask a colleague or a stranger.

 

Personal accountability for consuming and spreading information

 

Avoid spreading Transphobia and engaging with Transphobes

  1. Don’t spread misinformation, especially misinformation that goes against the existence of Trans people. Ask Trans people, if they’re open to it and willing, about what information is trustworthy and what is harmful.
  2. Don’t promote, engage or donate to businesses and organizations that hurt the Trans community or Trans individuals. While choosing to boycott is a personal choice that can be affected by a number of factors, you can still choose not to make those who harm the community more powerful.

 

Self Study

  1. Study and research about the trans community independently. Read, watch and join events that are open for the general population.
  2. Learn about the specific needs of the trans people in your social group and environment and what they deal with on a day to day basis, so you could help them.
  3. Favor content that was created by people on the trans spectrum to help you understand trans identities and experiences better.
  4. Don’t rely solely on trans people to educate you and give you knowledge. Even if you’re lucky enough to know a trans person personally, assuming they will provide you with all information can put them under a heavy mental load. Instead of asking uncomfortable invasive questions, focus on doing your own research. There are available resources for independent research that were created by people on the trans spectrum to help you understand trans identities and experiences better. Educational books, autobiographical novels, videos and podcasts that were made by trans people are all options that allow you to study and learn from a trans perspective without putting all that burden on just one person in your life.

Recommended resources can be found at the end of this entry or at this page.

 

Active actions you can take against Transphobia and for the Trans community

 

Generalization and resisting Transphobia

  1. The more connected you will be to Trans people and the community, you will start noticing and being more sensitive to different kinds of Transphobia happening around you. That’s your place to speak up! Show people on the trans spectrum that they have someone fighting for them, and show others that their transphobia will not be tolerated. React to it, whether it’s “just a joke”, a disrespectful comment, generally making fun of the trans community or intentionally misgendering someone. Remind others around you that respecting people around you doesn’t cost a thing. Your action and the will to speak up will encourage other allies to speak up and make a change.
  2. Take a stand against transphobia even when there are no trans people in the room. You don’t need to be an expert in order to navigate conversations about trans people. The most important part of any conversation is respect.
  3. Don’t avoid mentioning the existence of trans people in front of elders, kids, or any other groups in society. Make the effort to explain things in a way that will be clear for them, but don’t avoid it. Everyone can grow and improve, no matter what culture or personal background they have. It’s never too late or too early to improve your ability to show kindness, respect and empathy for others, those who are like you and those who aren’t.
  4. Include the trans community when organizing social and professional events, make sure events and spaces are inclusive and accessible for trans individuals, use inclusive language in your posts and forms, hang trans pride flags, have people in charge that one can approach if needed, these are things you can do to make trans people feel wanted and safe.

 

Help and support

  1. Help and assist the trans people you are close to with the challenges that life in a transphobic gendered society brings with them. Day to day activities such as using a public toilet, gendered bureaucracy, reaching out for medical treatment or official organizations are all things that can be especially complicated for people on the trans spectrum. Be aware of the challenges and be present for the trans people around you.
  2. Give from your own knowledge, resources and skills wherever possible. If you are able to, donate or volunteer with trans organizations.
  3. Create platforms and spaces where people on the trans spectrum can express themselves and take action for their own needs.
  4. Raise public awareness and promote inclusivity, book lectures from community organizations such as Hoshen and the Gila project. Promote inclusive policies for people on the trans spectrum in other communities and organizations you take part in.
  5. Make opportunities accessible for trans people. If you are part of a hiring process in work places, make the process respectful for trans people and post the jobs in a way that will reach the community. If you offer services, make them suitable and accessible for trans people and post them in a way that will make that clear. If you have a say in it, make sure your work place or public spaces around you have non gendered toilets for public use.
  6. Stand with those who were hurt by transphobic actions even if you aren’t directly involved. Show others that transphobic behavior will not pass and show trans people they’re not alone. If someone got hurt by transphobic action, offer your support and listen to their wishes.

Making a change and improving yourself as a person and an ally is a long process. You might have read up to here and are eager to implement all that you’ve read, or you might feel overwhelmed and not sure where to start. We recommend choosing two action items that feel the most meaningful and relevant to you and think or write down how you are going to act on it. When you feel the need to take action for the trans community again, come back here for insperation.

 

Further information:

עלוני מידע וכתבות:

 

אתרי מידע על הקהילה הטרנסית:

 

ערוצים של יוצרים.ות מהקשת הטרנסית שעוסקים.ות בתכנים טרנסיים (חלקם.ן עוסקות.ים בנושאים נוספים):

 

Videos on how to be an ally

 

תכנים בנוגע לאיך להיות בעלי ברית (מחוץ להקשר טרנסי):

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